


In The End Lies The Beginning

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, Masturbation, Violence, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-13
Updated: 2009-02-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 15:11:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Noooo, the new album did not inspire me _at all_. *shifty eyes*  
>  Kyo POV  
> Beta Readers: ladydeathfaerie, Callie, elyachan, Aoi~  
> Song[s]: "Vinushka" by Dir en grey

The gentle sound of a jazz band plays in the background, almost drowned out by the light drone of the customers in this hazy joint. The atmosphere is calm and the bottle of Jack on the table between us only adds to it.

We've only known one another for a few months. All the same, I already feel so close to him. We kind of bonded right off the bat - rather unlike anything else I've ever experienced before. Even the relationship I hold with my dear friend, Shinya, has never been like this.

There are just things I can talk to Die about that I could never even bring up in Shinya's presence. Personal things....

I shift a little on the deep-burgundy bench seat, trying to ease the ache in my ass from where I fell earlier today. It's rainy outside, something I actually hate.

Die coughs, gaining my attention as he attempts to light up a cigarette. I shake my head and reach out, taking it from him and lighting it myself, then handing it back as the smoke wafts from my mouth, filling the air around us. "Why are you even trying to start such a nasty habit?" All the same, I know I'm only feeding it as I fish out my own pack and light up one for myself. A totally hypocritical statement, pulled from the mouth of a total hypocrite.

He shakes his head and then takes a drag, obviously trying not to choke on that as well. It stings; I know full well it does. You get used to it in time, learn to crave it even. But those first few times hurt like a son-of-a-bitch.

The smoke curls from my lips, sensual in the way it dances away as I watch it, my eyes glittering softly in the dim light. A shiver of pleasure works its way through my body and I allow the satisfied sigh to leave me. My fingers dance along the surface of the table, finally coming to rest on my cup - half-full of ice cubes, half-empty of the amber liquid we've been sharing all night.

He puts the cigarette aside and pours more Jack into my glass, smirking at me. It's that very moment I know he's trying to get me trashed out of my mind. And I know full well... I'm going to let him.

The night moves on, almost without us. Patrons come and go all around our little rectangle of a haven. The place fills to almost bursting with people and then slowly filters back down to a sparse few. I hardly notice; only the subconscious part of my mind focuses on it while the other part of me sees only the red-head in front of me.

He keeps running his hand through his long hair and I keep wondering how the hell we all stand having this much fucking hair in the first place. But then I wouldn't want him to have it any other way right now. The way he looks when he does it... the way he looked while we were in practice the other day.

And it's right then - right in the very presence of this beautiful man - that I figure a few things out about myself. Sure, maybe it's all the muddled, half-functional brain of a drunk. But there's always the off chance that it's nothing but the truth.

I want him. I want him like I've never wanted anyone else in my entire life. Just from the way he's looking at me, I can see that he'd be okay with it. My hand moves of its own accord, coming out across the table to take away another smoke as he pulls it from the pack , tossing it aside and grasping his fingers in my own instead. My eyes meet his and I just... watch.

That grin of his comes out and he laughs, gripping my fingers firmly and then letting go. "You're drunk!" The exclamation leaves his mouth loudly before he ducks his head and then laughs again. "And so am I!" Letting that linger between us, he grabs the now empty bottle of Jack and tosses it in the trash bin across the aisle from our table.

Time seems to freeze and I'm left staring at him, wishing like hell I hadn't just sat there quietly, only watching what I could have so easily obtained. Even when his fingers settle on me and he hauls me from the booth, having to support me because I can't even stand under my own power, I don't act on what I feel.

The cool night air hits me as we exit the bar and he pours me into a cab, slipping in beside me. The car is just as freezing as the outside, but I hardly notice, huddled up next to Die's side as he holds me. The minutes tick by and we finally end up at my complex. He's quick to get me out and up the stairs, making sure I'm inside and the door is locked before he retreats - almost as though there's a fire under his ass.

I'm left in my hallway, stunned and confused. My legs give out and I collapse to the floor, simply sitting there and staring at the peeling white paint in front of my eyes. My hand reaches out to touch, finding nothing in place of the vision dancing in my head. Fingers clasp and release, aching for something to ease the loneliness in my heart. Is this how it's meant to be? Is this how I'm meant to feel?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

Months pass and things come together and then fall apart. La:Sadie's was doing so well... but now, now everything is coming to an abrupt head. I should have seen it, should have felt it in the cold way Kisaki handled everything about the band. But I truly thought - in all my naiveté - that he cared enough to take us all the way.

It cuts me so deeply, like a wound that will never heal. I feel as though he's stolen something from me; like a bereaved man who's lost his only hope for happiness in the world. In a way... he has taken that from me. The one thing I could fall back on, that I could trust to be constant - gone in the blink of an eye.

I stand silently by, watching as he packs up and leaves us all standing in the studio. The others try reasoning with him, screaming at him, even begging. I can see the tears shimmering in Shinya's eyes, but I can't even bring myself to offer him my shoulder. I can't seem to find it in me to actually care... about anything.

I feel dead inside - as if he's just taken a knife to my gut and I know the end is here. My eyes slide shut and I allow the dingy white wall to support me. I don't even feel like crying. I just feel... empty.

When I look up again, the others are packing their things. It's darker outside than it was when I closed my eyes. Maybe I fell asleep right here, leaning on the wall. I can't tell and it really doesn't matter. We're over and the world is ending right along beside us.

I'm so numb I don't even think about it before I'm doing it. I just get up and walk out, leaving behind everything - my bag, my supplies... the others. It's selfish and I know it - but I can't seem to shake it off. This is just how I deal... alone and sheltered. Fuck the world and move on. Only, this time, I'm not so sure I can keep up with the moving on part.

My footsteps sound hollow, even to my own ears, as I leave the building and push out into the rain. Appropriate that the sky should cry for us on this day. I hunch my shoulders against it and walk to the closest bus stop. At least I have enough change in my pocket for that... just enough to get me home.

~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~

Time speeds around me, passing by as I seem to stand perfectly still in the midst of it. Life continues around me and I simply exist.

I have to move out soon. The rent is already past due and I can't afford it, even with the odd jobs I've been trying to pick up to keep myself alive in some respect. The days I'm honest with myself, I don't even understand why I'm still here, why I haven't found the guts to simply end it all.

I'm not worth anything like this. I never even finished school and no one wants a dried-up, washed-out musician these days. I'd fall back on being a roadie, but I can't seem to even get in contact with anyone who once could have helped me. I call and I call and my line remains silent - never ringing.

Boxes of my stuff that I haven't sold - or can't sell - sit all around my living room. I'm in process of duct-taping one of the last boxes from my kitchen when the ever-silent phone finally decides to ring. I pause, simply looking up at it, somewhat in awe, somewhat afraid to answer it. Maybe it's a wrong number... or maybe it isn't.

I slip away from the box and pick up the phone on the last ring, pressing the receiver to my ear a bit harshly. "Hello?" I feel almost childish in the way I answer it, as though it's foreign to me.

"Kyo!"

The all-too-familiar voice crackles across the line and I think I'm going to crush the phone in my grip. It's been too long. Why is he calling now of all the times he could have since the band broke up? I can't even find my voice to reply, I just stand there staring at the barren wall in shock. I thought I'd moved on, that I was existing so well without his voice... but I'm not.

"You there?" He sounds worried.

"Y-yes," a deep breath on my part as I force myself to behave like a normal person as I force my thoughts and emotions away. "What's up?"

"We're starting another band. We think we've found a bassist. Remember that guy we saw with purple hair in that shit-hole club a few months back?"

I take a moment to try to recall who he's talking about. Then I remember the smile and the laugh from that man. "The one with the um... odd laugh?"

Die's own laugh fills my ear and I have to reach out and hold onto the counter to prevent myself from falling over. "Yeah, that's the one. He's really nice and he's prepared to leave his band to join us if this goes well next week. We're planning a live... if you're still in."

"Still in?" What does he mean 'still in'? I thought we were over, that my whole life and career had fallen in ashes at my feet. And here he sounds like the plan all along was to find someone to replace Kisaki and go on with it.

"Yeah. You didn't think we weren't going to try to keep going just because of Kisaki, did you?"

I swallow hard and feel the faint blush tinge my cheeks. Yeah, actually, that's exactly what I'd thought. I let out a soft sigh and shake my head. "I kind of did."

"Kyo!" Die sounds offended and, in a way, it hurts me. I never meant to hurt him... especially not in the only thing that ever brought us close.

"I'm sorry. No one ever told me anything and no one contacted me. I thought everything was over." There's remorse so thick in my voice I know for certain he can hear it.

He's silent for a moment and when he finally does speak, it sounds like he's actually going to cry. "So... does that mean you... you're out? That you've found another band or something?"

I let him hang for a minute, knowing it's mean, but wanting him to feel the pain I've felt all this time for at least a moment. The pain that consumes you when you think life has become meaningless. "I'm in... if someone can put me up for a while. I'm having to move out of my apartment."

"Actually... you should stay. I know Toshiya needs to room with someone when he comes down."

I blink stupidly at the wall and then sigh. "Toshiya?"

"Yeah, the bassist."

"Oh... when does he come? I don't have any money right now."

"I'll call him and see. I'm pretty sure money's not the problem with him... just finding a place is all."

Before I can even protest, Die's hung up the phone and I'm left to slump against the counter, feeling somewhat dazed. I'm getting a new band and a new roommate - all in one package. I know I should feel elated, like I'm on top of the world... but I don't.

The phone slips from my fingertips and hits the tile just before I do. I draw my knees up and I curl my arms around myself, shaking a little as the tears I've held back so long finally come.

I've missed him... I've missed him so damn bad. But... has he missed me?

To Be Continued...


	3. In The End Lies The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

We're all sitting in a small booth in the back of a local coffee house. I'm not even sure why except that it was Toshiya's idea to bring us all out. He wanted to go to a bar, but I declined and apparently it matters to him if I'm here or not. So... here we sit, stuck in this little place in the dead of the night.

We did our live... pitiful, since only a handful of people actually showed up. But all the same, we decided to trudge onward. We all want this to work, want the band to form and see where it goes. I admit, I have conflicting feelings on it, but that's okay. I don't seem to feel wholeheartedly about anything these days.

The others blather on about something and I don't even really pay attention until Die's laugh fills the air and something hits me in the head. I reach up, absently rubbing at where it hit, giving them all a sort of dazed look. "What?"

Die shifts closer to me and I lean away, jerking my head to stare at him almost horrified. I'm not sure why, but I don't want him touching me... I don't want anyone touching me. He gives me an odd look and then shrugs. "We're gonna call the band 'Dir en grey'... if you agree as well."

I shrug. "What's it mean?" I don't really care, but that's the best question I can come up with so that I at least look like I give a flying shit.

"Greyish-colored coin." Kaoru's voice helpfully supplies the answer from the darkened corner of the booth and I just nod, not really caring and not intending to offer anything better than what they've come up with without my input.

"Sounds fine." I take a sip of my long-cold coffee and wince in disgust, pushing the cup away and folding my arms across my chest. "Are we done? I'm tired, my coffee's cold, and I really just want to go sleep."

Everyone mumbles something about agreeing and we set a date and time for practice. All we need is a label and from the way Kaoru was talking the part of the time I was listening, he'll handle that just fine on his own.

The walk back to Toshiya's and my place is made in silence. He's an alright guy, but I'm just not in the mood to make friends. I think he understands that, though, because he's yet to try to pressure me into liking him. For that... I already like him.

We prepare everything for the following day and roll out our mats, him showering first and then it's my turn. Once I'm under the warm spray, I start about my rituals - shampoo, conditioner. Leave the conditioner in and start on shaving. Soap up and wash off, rinse conditioner out. Get out, dry off, brush teeth, and go to bed.

I step out of the restroom and pause at the sound of a breathy moan from the bedroom. He's... great, just fucking great. I sigh softly and retreat back into the bathroom, putting the toilet lid down and plugging in the blow dryer. I don't normally dry my hair because it gets all frizzy when I do. But at this point, I don't care. The last thing I want to do is hear him getting off.

I can't hear anything but the roar of the dryer. But my mind decides to give me a preview of what he's doing anyway. I'm about half-done with my hair by the time my own body is aching. Behind my now-closed eyes, Toshiya has turned into Die - Die in my bedroom, doing all kinds of pleasurable things to himself.

A groan leaves my lips before I can even think to stop it and I'm just thankful the sound of the hairdryer probably stopped it from being heard. My cheeks heat up and I open my eyes, insistent on drying my hair and forgetting all the images in my mind. Besides... I gave up my chance; let it slip past last year. He isn't even really my friend any more.

When my hair is done, I put the dryer away and crack the door, listening closely. When I don't hear any moans or odd sounds, I slip out and turn the light off, walking down the hall and then plopping down on my mat.

"You said you never dry your hair with the dryer... what's up?" Toshiya's voice almost scares the hell out of me... almost.

"Just felt like it." I know it's the cop-out reply, but I don't care. He'll take it and I know it.

"Alright... well... goodnight."

"Night." I turn over and press myself to the small mat. I'm still turned on, but I'll never do anything about it. Not when my thoughts center around _him_ \- the man I need to forget even exists... at least in that way. I close my eyes and let the night take me away, my dreams being kinder to me than I ever am to myself these days.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

Practice has become somewhat of a bitch lately. I've found that I have to keep myself completely focused on the music or my voice goes off really bad. The instant my mind wanders, I start sounding like someone's killing a cat in the most brutal manner. I've been okay most of the time, but I guess everyone has days they just can't force themselves to focus. Today is mine.

Every time he looks at me, I feel it. Every time he speaks, he gains my attention completely. And more than that... I've had to turn my back on them to sing. I can't look at him or I end up thinking of how bad I was the other night when Toshiya decided to get us both drunk. I damn near admitted it, almost said that I was in love with Die. The only thing that stopped me was the vomit as it poured from my lips.

I've decided never to drink again. Really, I never should have drunk so damn much, but I did and I can't take it back.

Someone clears their throat and I look up. Kaoru is staring at me expectantly and I feel my cheeks flush in response. "I'm sorry, what?" My voice is so strong in comparison to how I feel inside.

"I asked you if you're okay. You look like you're going to puke." He really does sound concerned and I appreciate it.

I shake my head and offer a weak smile. "I'm fine... just a bit... off." Great answer; the most brilliant thing to ever leave my lips. I shrug a bit. "But um... maybe we can take a short break?"

He glances at the clock and then shrugs off his guitar. "Actually, I have a meeting with a couple of guys to try to get us a contract from our demo tape. It's in an hour, but I can go grab a bite to eat if we leave now." He grins. "Everyone wish us luck!"

I offer my luck with what is perhaps a little less enthusiasm than should have been required for the statement. But then, what can we expect of me at this point? I feel like I'm sinking, lost in my own damn world where life is nothing but a torture device before you find Hell.

Everyone leaves, Die patting me on the arm as he goes. He doesn't say anything, but instead runs after Shinya, laughing as he collides with him. My best friend... my betrayal. I look away, not wanting to see what any rational mind would have called friendship. But my mind... my mind tells me it's more than that. They're so happy... _together_.

I get my bag, leaving and locking the doors behind me. Every step toward home is like one more step into the fire. Why do I bother going home in the first place? Why is it even still home? I hate living with someone who I might accidentally spill everything to.

My steps pause beside a small pet shop. Hamsters run in small wheels just inside the door and I watch them with interest. Maybe a pet will help me ease that ache for real companionship, the want to be with someone who cares for me in return.

I slip into the shop and walk past the hamsters by the door. Everyone will buy them. I want to help the ones in the back, the ones the light never touches. Once I'm in the darkest corner, I find the cutest little kangaroo rats. There's two huddled in the dark corner of the furthest cage and without hesitation, I drop my bag and push the top of the tank open, reaching inside to pet them.

They're so soft; even when one of them nips at me, I don't mind. It's only what I would do to something so much larger than me, bugging me while I slept. I scoop them both up and pull them out, holding them cradled close to my chest. They wander around my hands for a moment and then settle down, leaning against me as they close their little eyes again.

I can feel my heart thumping so fast in my chest and I know this is what it feels like to have someone who cares in your life. It feels like how I used to when Die would look at me, when he'd smile at me in that way of his. The closest thing to a smile that I've managed in months comes on my face and I pick up my bag, careful not to disturb the little guys as I walk to the register and get the lady's attention. "I'll take these two and a habitat and food for them."

She stares at me in what I assume is mild horror. "You... they..." her eyes scan me and then she points at my finger, "you're bleeding."

I glance down, watching as drop after drop of my blood falls to the white counter. I never even noticed. The pain didn't really matter enough to penetrate my brain. I shrug. "I'll be fine. I'd have bit me, too."

She gives me an odd look and then goes and gets the supplies for them, bringing back a small cardboard box for them to go in on their way home. I settle them into it, mindless of their little claws that want to cling to me so badly. I'll give them proper attention once I'm home.

She rings me up and I pay, not minding that I'm spending my food budget for the week on them. It's worth it and my mind knows it. If I have them, I won't be so tempted to leave.

My steps are purposeful as I head home, the bags clinking at my side as I cradle the box so carefully against me. Night falls just as I arrive at my complex, the last rays of sun hitting my back as I unlock the door and let myself in.

The smell of food greets me and I know Toshiya has cooked for us. I ditch my shoes and my work bag, taking all the rest of the stuff into the bedroom and setting it up before I settle down in front of the cage and open the cardboard container, letting the little guys out into my lap. They run around, sniffing for a few minutes before one curls up against my crotch.

I smile as I reach down and lightly pet him. "I'll call you Puchi." The other is still running all over my legs, but I hold out my hand, waiting for him to climb on. When he does, I hold him close to my face and grin. "And you're Buchi."

A soft chuckle from the doorway distracts me and I look up to find Toshiya staring at me, a grin on his face. "You got pets?"

I nod and then return my attention to them, placing Buchi next to Puchi and watching as they curl up together. Even with me as a heater, they use one another as pillows. It... breaks my heart. But at the same time, it feeds me hope. Maybe I can just be Die's heater while he finds others to be his pillows.

"Dinner's ready."

Again, I nod. But this time I lift my babies up and put them in their new home. They're fast to start exploring and I smile as I close the lid, making sure they can't escape before I stand and follow Toshiya to the kitchen. I wash up and then sit down where he's already served us both, taking up my chopsticks and eating almost mechanically.

Time passes and we're almost done with dinner before he decides to speak. "Did you plan on buying them or was it a snap decision?"

I shift uncomfortably, shoveling the last of my food into my mouth and chewing. After I swallow, I stare at him for a moment, studying his intent and then shrug. "I just wanted the companionship an animal offers. But I didn't want one to be lonely while I'm at practice, so I got a friend for him."

"They're both males?"

I nod absently. "No babies... unless they become magical."

He snorts and then laughs and I have to prevent myself from cringing. I hadn't meant to be funny. Eventually, he calms down and I wash off my dishes, going to the living room to watch TV.

Hours later, the phone rings, startling me out of where I'd been dozing on the couch. I sit up, rubbing at my eyes before stumbling into the kitchen and picking up the phone. "H-hello?" I cough a bit and then clear my throat.

"Hey, sleepyhead." It's Die and I can't help it when my breathing stops. He just gave me an affectionate name. I smile to myself and almost say something, but he continues. "Guess what?"

"What?" I actually sound eager for the first time in quite a while.

"Kaoru got us a contract! After we all do the paperwork tomorrow, we're signed and we'll set to work on our first album!" He sounds truly excited.

And yet... I'm not. I know I should be. But is it really for the best that I'm accepting my career to be right alongside the man I will never be able to have? The man who's fucking my best friend. "Is Shinya there?" I don't know why I ask, why I let it slip out - but I do.

"No... why would he be?" Die now sounds confused, like I've really thrown him for a loop.

I shrug, knowing he can't see it. "I just figured he would be, so you two could celebrate... or something." I sound like a jealous ex. And in a way, I feel like one.

"Oh." His lameass reply does nothing to ease my fears, to tell me if they are sleeping together or not. But it doesn't matter. Shinya's already left me behind as his best friend and Die's never been mine anyway.

"So I guess we'll be meeting tomorrow?" The only thing I can think to ask to get him to talk again.

"Yeah. Eight sharp. Tell Toshiya, will ya?"

I sigh softly. "Yeah, sure." I wait for a moment and when he says nothing more, I murmur my departing greeting and hang up. "See you..." The phone clicks softly back into the cradle and I look up to find Toshiya leaning against the wall, watching me intently.

"Who was it?"

"Die... he says Kaoru got us the contract. We all have to go in at eight in the morning and do the official paperwork." I don't like the way Toshiya's looking at me - the knowing look in those eyes. I loathe it and it makes me want to rip him apart.

"We should get some sleep then." He turns away and heads for the shower.

I simply stand there, my anger radiating from me in waves until I find my bearings again and force myself into the living room to turn the television set off. My steps are heavy and my heart heavier as I navigate my way into the bedroom, where I roll out my mat right next to my new best friends. They're sleeping and I lay down beside them, watching intently until they lull me to sleep.


	5. In The End Lies The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

The months have slipped by, most of them fading away into an almost comfortable nothingness. We released 'Missa' last month. It was a big deal for everyone, I guess. To me, it was just another step in the road. I'm odd like that, I suppose. Creating the song means so much more to me than releasing it.

Kaoru says we're big... that we're gonna make it all the way. I don't know if he's right or not and it really doesn't matter. Once upon a time, I might have cared, might have been happy for us. But why be happy when life is only going to throw me another curveball to the face if I am? Better to be miserable right off the bat and expect the worst at any given point. Better not to have hopes and dreams.

And yet... I do. I have a million dreams. But I guess the difference is that I know they'll never come true. Most people will pray for it, hope like hell that they can obtain some silly little dream of theirs. But me... I just accept that it'll never happen and move forward one step at a time.

That's exactly what I'm doing. I've started taking some medication that's supposed to make me happier. Or as the doctor put it: 'brighter on the outside'. Good enough, since the inside will always be filled with a lifetime worth of dismal unhappiness.

My fingers clench harshly around my pencil and I hear the wood creak as I strain it. A moment later, I release it, knowing I don't have the patience to find another one or go beg Kaoru to use his sharpener... again. He already suspects something more is up than I'm letting on. I can tell from the way he watches me when he thinks I won't notice. There's always this concerned look in his eyes.

I suppose I should be happy he cares. It's just that... it's not him I want so badly to do so. The pencil snaps and I groan in frustration, placing my head on the table as the broken bits fall from my fingertips to roll across the wood.

I don't know how long I'm there like that, but eventually I'm pulled back into reality when Kaoru's hand covers mine. The way his callused fingertips slide over my hand, the weight of his touch, is all I need to know it's him. I start to pull away, a soft whimper dying in my throat. His touch stings, like a million needles all at once.

"Kyo, please. You're bleeding." His voice is calm and patient. It makes me listen, even though I don't want to.

My fingers uncurl as he lightly moves them, turning my hand palm up. I turn my head enough to look at the damage, surprised to find the amount of blood that I do. My entire hand is stained red and parts of the pencil are stuck in my flesh, sticking out like angry yellow hornets.

I rake my eyes over the sight of it, somewhat aghast. I didn't even feel the pain until Kaoru touched me. And even now, it's dull, not at all like it should be.

Kaoru's steady hands move over my pale flesh, his fingers plucking out the shards of shattered wood, tossing them onto the table one-by-one. He cleans my hand up with gauze, slowly applying peroxide and then antibacterial ointment. The entire thing is finished off by him putting gauze pads over the worst cuts and wrapping surgical tape around the whole thing.

When he's done, he lightly pats the back of my hand and then moves away, taking all the blood-covered bits with him. By the time I've gotten myself in the right mindset to move, he's already washed up and has come back with a warm cup of coffee for me.

He settles it into my hand and smiles warmly at me. "Was it the lyrics... or something else?" The way his eyes roam over me makes me feel exposed and vulnerable. But I don't feel like he's trying to make fun of me. Not Kaoru... never Kaoru. He's far too kind to do that to me.

"Something else," the words slip unbidden from my mouth and I immediately blush, ducking my head to hide behind my hair.

"Is it-" He's cut off by the sound of the door opening and someone walking in.

I look up, only to find Die standing there, staring at us. My face heats up even more and I almost slosh my coffee everywhere in an attempt to get up and get away.

Kaoru reaches out and puts his hand on my arm. "Kyo...." he doesn't even need to say anything else and I'm back in my seat, clutching the warm cup with both hands, not caring that the motion is making my hand bleed even more.

"I finished my part for that interview. Did you want me to work on something else?" Die acts as though he didn't even notice me spazzing out. But then, maybe he didn't... or he doesn't care.

 _He doesn't care._ That thought echoes in my mind and I immediately grab for the remains of my pencil to start scribbling out my feelings. It's like if I keep them inside, they'll kill me. And really, they just might. I use the little nub for all of about two lines before Kaoru pulls it from my fingers and slips his pen into them.

I keep writing, not even hearing what they're talking about. It doesn't matter. Only this matters. Only getting out what's ripping me apart inside is of any importance. Line after line spreads across the page, the ink blurring as I write.

It's only when I feel wetness down my neck that I realize I'm crying. The ink isn't what's blurring, it's my vision. I... I can't be. Not right here in front of them, not like this. Maybe if I just keep writing, they won't notice.

But my hopes remain unfounded, because in the next instant, Die's arms are draped around me and Kaoru's hand is on my arm. My first instinct is to jerk away from the touch, but I manage not to, only stiffening and instinctively covering my writing with my hands.

Kaoru lightly pulls the notebook from me, flipping it closed and setting it aside. "I think we've all had enough for today. Maybe it's time to go home. Be in tomorrow at nine." He pats my hand and then stands up, quickly leaving the room... leaving me alone with Die.

My heart quickens and my breath catches in my throat. He's still holding on to me and I'm still crying. I can't seem to stop it. He turns my chair enough to kneel down in front of me and pull me close that way. I lean into his chest and then clutch at his shirt, burying my face into his shoulder.

It's so unfair. Why do I always have to break down when I'm right in front of people and not while I'm hidden away from view? I hate showing myself to everyone and yet, here I am, baring my soul to them... to him.

"What's going on, Kyo? You've been so upset recently." His voice floats to me, so soft and caring.

I bask in it, feeling like for just this moment, I can pretend so many of my dreams are coming true. But then the glass shatters and I'm left staring at the pieces of reality left in front of me. "I... I started some new medication and it's making me show things I don't want to."

He nods a little and holds me tighter. "It's okay. I'm here for you if you need me, alright?"

I can almost hear the smile in his voice, but I keep my face plastered against his shoulder. I don't want to move away from him. Even as the thought crosses my mind, he begins to stroke my back, his hands soothing everywhere he touches.

All too soon, my pain is gone and I can feel a completely different emotion welling within me. It's then that I pull away, drying my eyes and shaking my head. "I never meant for you to see me like that. I'm sorry."

He's silent, simply regarding me for a moment before he reaches out and pushes my hair back from my face, smiling at me. "Stop worrying about it." And then his touch is gone and he's walking away. "See you tomorrow morning."

I watch him go, already regretting how I keep letting these moments slip through my fingers. Why is it like this? Why is it so hard? "Goodbye, Daisuke." My voice is but a whisper, fading away faster than the smell of his cologne.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

Time passes by so quickly, our first major album release and then the tour, now both over. I'm sitting here in my brand new apartment, glad to finally be alone again. I never had the freedom I wanted or needed while living with Toshiya. I ended up just giving him the place and moving out... I had less stuff to move.

Puchi and Buchi are in my lap, curled up around one another as I just sit and write lyrics. Buchi snores a little, it's actually really cute. A sort of odd smile forms on my lips as my hand continues to frantically scribble words across the paper in front of me. I already have almost enough for another album, but I know half of them I'll end up scrapping in the end.

I hum softly to myself and then realize I'm writing the guitar part to go with the lyrics in my head. Without even hesitating, I write out the notes under the lines of the song. Before I know it, I'm done and I think it's one of the best pieces of music I've ever written. Looking over it, I know that it's more Die's style than Kaoru's and just as it always does, my mind turns back to him.

I sigh softly, reaching down and plucking Buchi from where he's nomming on Puchi's tail. The other is squealing and I pet him softly on the head to calm him down, but he just crawls out of my lap and runs across the living room toward their cage. He bolts in through the open door and heads straight for the turret where he settles down in the soft fluff. Buchi chatters at me and I let him go, watching as he runs after Puchi, going straight for that turret as well. They're so close to one another that even things like eating the other's tail aren't considered bad enough to last for too long.

I shake my head. So much like Die and I have become. Except that I don't get to curl up with him and sleep. I think that's a dream of mine and something that only happens in my fantasies. A lot more than that happens in them too, though. I can feel my cheeks heating up and I push the lyrics off my lap and onto the floor, stretching out and staring at the ceiling as I let my thoughts run away with me.

The other day, Die came up behind me and hugged me. He stayed like that for the entire time Kaoru and I were speaking, just waiting on us to finish. He invited me out for beers after... and I turned him down, telling him that I don't drink anymore. It's true, I don't. But, especially not with him. I'm scared I'll end up trashed and just blurt out how I feel to him like I almost have so many times already.

It would be the worst possible time for me to do it, too. He's been seeing this girl for a while now. The two of them seem happy... or at least she smiles a lot and he doesn't look like he wants to strangle her like he has with some of his past girlfriends. I don't know... it's hard for me to look past the fact that I'm insanely jealous of anyone who gets that close to him, honestly. I'm surprised I'm not bitter with her yet. But then, that's the key word... _yet_.

Kaoru's been acting strange around me for a while now. It's almost like he likes me more than he should for just a friend and bandmate. But I know he's straight... I asked him the other day, just to satisfy my curiosity. It confuses me so much. I guess I should have friends outside of the band... maybe even look for a lover of my own so I can stop this stupid infatuation with Die. And yet, I've thought these same things over and over for so long, and haven't done a damn thing about them. Call me crazy... 'cause I guess I am.

My nose itches and seconds later, I sneeze almost violently. Great... I'm coming down with something. Just what I always needed. Sniffling, I shove myself up off the floor and go to my babies' cage, shutting it so they don't run around when I'm not sitting with them. Grabbing a tissue off the shelf above them, I blow my nose and then traipse into the kitchen to throw it away.

My eyes land on the phone and I think about the song I've written that's lying in my living room floor. Die's part and my lyrics. Biting my lip, I pick up the receiver and dial his number from memory. Three rings later, he picks up.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, Die... it's Kyo." My voice is quavering. Can I get any stupider?

 _"Oh, hey! What's up?"_ I can hear a feminine voice in the background asking Die who it is and then he hisses my name back at her like he wants her to leave him alone.

"I um... never mind, you're busy. Sorry to bother you." I hang up rather abruptly and then stare at the phone where my hand still rests. Why in the hell did I just hang up on Die? With a sigh, I let my hand fall away and turn to walk off. The phone rings shrilly and I jerk in surprise, turning back and picking it up. "Hello?"

 _"Kyo, what the fuck, man? You call me and then hang up on me?"_ Die sounds kind of upset, but not the angry kind. Again, I hear that feminine voice in the background and then Die responding. _"Shut up, will ya, Mika?"_ Now he sounds pissed off. Great... I've made him mad at his girlfriend.

"I... I'm sorry. I just heard you girlfriend and I figured since you're already with her, you won't want to come over to look at what I wrote. It's just music shit anyway. It can wait." I know I sound upset now and that really ticks me off.

 _"Oh, what's that, Kyo? You need me to come over urgently?"_ He's speaking loudly and pointedly. I can hear the underlying anger in his voice, but it feels like he's not mad at me. I wince.

"You need out of there, Die?" I ask it just to make sure I'm not going nuts.

"Yes. I'll be right over!" Now he hangs up on me and I'm left staring at the phone like a retard until it starts giving me a busy signal and I hang it up.

Then I start panicking. I need to make us something to eat, take some meds just in case I am getting sick so I don't give it to him, and... oh, fuck, I haven't showered!

I scramble around, tossing together some stuff to make a soup and then put it on to simmer as I rush off down the hall and into my bathroom, flinging my clothes into a corner and jumping into the tub. I turn on the water and it's freezing cold, but I don't care, I just grab the soap and start scrubbing. Then the shampoo and conditioner. I'm just about to rinse out the conditioner when I hear a loud knock on the front door. Fucking hell! I rinse it out as fast as I can and then shut the now-warm water off, yanking a towel off the rack and tying it around my waist.

I rush for the front door, damn near slipping on the tile in my hallway in my haste. When I yank the door open, Die has his hand raised to knock again and I blush, stepping back to let him in.

He stares at me and then laughs, grinning stupidly. "Dude... why'd you get in the shower when you knew I was coming over?"

I stare at him and then shake my head, shutting the door and locking it. As I turn away, heading for my bedroom, I respond. "Because I smelled bad." I didn't, but he doesn't need to know it's just that I'd do anything to look my best for him every single time I see him. "Can you stir the soup? I put it on after I hung up with you."

He grunts and I hear him walk off to the kitchen and I rush for my room, toweling myself off as fast as I can and then yanking on clean clothes.

Clad in a t-shirt and jeans, I pad into the kitchen, my hair still damp, but not dripping. I watch Die add a few seasonings to the soup and I smile. "Too bland?"

He looks up and blushes. "Sorry..."

"Don't be." I feel my cheeks heat up and I look away and clear my throat. "I um... I wrote a song and I wanted you to look over the guitar part. I think it suits you best and just want your opinion." Now I'm staring at my feet like they're the most interesting things in the world.

Die chuckles softly. "And you didn't tell me to bring my guitar? Please tell me you still have that old one around here somewhere... and maybe an amp."

I shake my head. "I don't have the electric anymore. But, I still have my old acoustic... and that's what this needs anyway." I chance looking at him and his eyes are bright and he smiles at me. "We'll look at it after the soup, okay?"

I nod and run a hand through my hair. "So... what's going on with your girlfriend? You seemed mad."

His eyes darken and he obviously grits his teeth for a moment. "Mika's being a bitch. She was so nice at first and now she's greedy as all hell. I just don't get it. Every single time I get far enough in a relationship to fuck someone, they turn into money-grubbing assholes." He stirs the soup a bit viciously for a minute. "I slept with her about a week ago for the first time and I thought everything was going to be fine. Then today she shows up at my place with two huge duffle bags full of her shit. She wants to fucking move in!"

Die looks up from the soup and pegs me with a stare that's full of confusion and anger. "I didn't fucking ask her to move in and yet there she is!" He shakes his head and looks away. "She wouldn't leave even when I did. Instead, she was unpacking her shit. But I don't want her there!"

"Did you tell her that point blank?" It sounds like a stupid question, but I have to ask. After all, it's Die and he's not exactly known for being blunt when it comes down to things like that with the girls.

He hangs his head. "I tried reasoning with her, telling her it was too soon... things like that."

I snort. "Die, frankly, if she's taken it upon herself to do this... what else is she going to do without your permission? Spend your money? Pawn your shit? Regulate your whole fucking life? You can't just let her walk all over you." I say it as a friend, not as someone who wants in his life so badly it hurts.

He pegs me with this look that says I've just stated his worst fears and he shoves the ladle at me. "Let me use your phone." Without waiting on an answer, he walks over and grabs the receiver, picking it up and dialing his own number. Two rings later, he's glaring at the wall like it just punched him in the face. "Mika," he growls out her name like it's poison, "don't ever fucking answer _my_ phone that way ever again. In fact, don't fucking answer my phone at all!"

I wince, stirring the soup somewhat vigorously as Die goes silent for a moment. When he continues, my head snaps up and my eyes go wide.

"I want you out of my apartment by the time I get back. I want all your shit gone and I don't want to see your face ever again. No one talks to me like that and no one assumes a damn thing about a relationship the way you are. I don't want to marry you and I am damn well not your fiancé! Get the hell out of my house and out my life!" He slams the phone down only to pick it back up and slam it a few more times as he lets out a partial scream.

By the time he's turned around, his face is red and he's breathing hard. I stare at him in total shock. I've never seen Die mad in my entire life. Sure, I've seen him annoyed or slightly irritated, like he was earlier. But this is fucking scary.

It isn't until he sighs and his face relaxes as he comes to me and takes my hand, gently stroking his thumb over it, that I realize I'm shaking like a leaf. So pathetic... but I don't like Die being mad and my body can't help but react to how I feel. I stare up at him and he offers a small smile.

"I'm sorry, Kyo... I didn't mean to get so angry. It's just-"

I cut him off, my voice stronger than my body, as it's not shaking at all. "She assumed shit. I would be mad, too." It's okay that he was mad... what's not okay is my reaction to it.

He takes the ladle and pats my arm, gently moving me out of the way and stirring the soup some more, then sampling a bit. "It's done," he murmurs quietly.

Almost mechanically, I get two bowls and two spoons, setting them on the counter next to him. He serves the soup up and I take the bowls to the front, sitting down on the couch cross-legged and waiting on him to follow. He does after a minute and sits beside me, taking his bowl. We're quiet as we eat, neither of us saying a word until the bowls are empty and we've set them both aside. Only then does he speak.

"So... where's your guitar?"

I swallow hard and stand up, rushing to go get it from my bedroom and then returning with it. I hand it to him along with a pick and then gather my papers off the floor, putting them in order and handing the whole thing to him.

He tunes the guitar for me and then picks the papers back up from his lap and studies them. His eyes move over the lines and he keeps nodding a bit and making funny little faces. I'm staring and I know I am, but I can't help it.

Almost abruptly, he scoots over and puts the paper between us. "You sing it the way you think it should be and I'll play. You change the pages." Without even waiting on my agreement, he starts in on the guitar part.

I gasp softly, staring at him for a moment, my eyes fixated on his hand and then I realize he's almost at the part I'd put down as where I come in. I clear my throat and sit up straight, taking a deep breath and when he hits the note that's my signal, I jump in, my voice echoing from the walls of my apartment. I've gotten so much better at projection, even just in this short span of time that it amazes even me.

I know the lyrics pretty much by heart, so I just glance at what's at the bottom of the page so I know when to change it and then stare at him as he plays and I sing. He's so concentrated on it, his tongue poking out of his mouth ever so slightly. It's both adorable and incredibly attractive, all at the same time.

I flip the page and we go on like that until the fourth page and the end of the song. He sits there, staring at it and then puts the guitar aside, making a grabbing motion in the air with his hand. "Pencil."

I snatch the one from the floor that I'd been working with and I watch him rifle through it, changing a few things and adding in a few more. Then he pushes the papers back to me. "How's that?"

Reading over the changes, I smile brightly. "Fucking brilliant... as usual." I beam at him and he chuckles softly.

"You think I'm brilliant?"

I nod enthusiastically and clutch the papers to my chest. "Do you think we can show the others?"

He nods, a grin tugging at his lips. "We make such a good pair."

I stare at him, my smile becoming a bit more forced as I wish for more than I will ever have. Does he have any idea how he makes me feel when he says things like that?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

A second album and a trail of dust, blood, and tears behind us all. Our newest tour is halfway through and my blood is pumping so strong in my veins tonight. It's all so... surreal. Maybe that's the right word, maybe it isn't. But nevertheless, it's how I feel about it all.

My eyes glitter in excitement as I pull at my clothing, run a hand through my hair one last time and then turn away from the mirror. I push past them all, heading for the side of the stage, feeling more vibrant and alive than I have in years. Concerts do that to me, push me to be more than I usually am, to obtain those pieces of myself that I need the most.

Die comes to stand beside me, smiling at me and resting his hand on my shoulder. I manage, with more strength than I knew I had in me, to let it be only a touch. I've been managing that a lot more lately... and it feels good. I breathe deep as our intro starts and Shinya slips out past Die after a count of fifteen. Die's fingers grasp my shoulder harder for a moment as he turns to stare at me, giving me this truly disturbed look. But then he's walking out, a smile on his face again and I think I dreamed it up.

Toshiya passes, then Kaoru. And just like that, it's my turn. I feel... rattled. What was that look for? Why do I suddenly feel like tonight is the end of the world? I shrug it off as best I can and take up residence center stage, launching into our first song with a vengeance torn from every drop of sweat we've put into our music, every bloody finger, ever fight and every smile. I draw on it, pulling it from deep inside myself as I show the audience my all.

I'm happy. For once... I'm fucking happy. My eyes glitter in the lights as I let out something close to a roar, my arms stretched wide. It's halfway though the show, my heart uplifted and my soul feeling freer than it ever has. The flash box goes off beside me, the pyrotechnics lighting up the stage to the cries of the crowd... and then everything just cuts in half. I'm dizzy, I'm confused, and god does my head hurt.

Warmth running down my neck under my hair and I reach up to touch it as I kneel down, waiting on our short break to be over. My fingers glisten with blood and I stare at it horrified. I can't hear... I can't fucking hear. What I do hear is a dull roar and nothing more.

I shoot a frightened look at Kaoru, but he doesn't seem to notice. He's busy pumping up the crowd. I feel sick. My stomach swims with what little I ate before the show and I'm almost certain I'm going to hurl. Shaking slightly, I look at Die, finding him staring at me with an almost identical look in his eyes. I hold out my hand just enough to show him the blood and he moves fast, bringing me his red tour towel and pressing it into my hand as he leans down to talk in my other ear. "Stop or not?"

I shake my head. That I could hear. I can't let the fans down. I can't let Kaoru down. And I can't show Die I'm so weak that I can't get through this. I will finish this show.

I wipe at the blood before pulling off the tape on the feedback monitor and sticking it over the ear I can't hear out of anymore. I'll have to wing it. I can do this... I can finish tonight no matter the cost... because, in my heart, I'm terrified this is the last night I'll ever have.

Shaking, I stand back up, nodding to Shinya and heading back to the front of the stage, stumbling. My equilibrium is fucked and I feel ill as I move. Okay... no more moving. I put the mic in the stand and stay there. This is only happening this way.

The song starts and I throw myself into it, crying out my soul to the crowd, letting them feel how scared I am inside. How much it hurts, my own pain feeding it all. And I feel it... the entire time I'm there, singing my heart out, I feel it. My heart is dying, my soul shriveling and decaying inside my body. I'm running on pure adrenaline and nothing but.

By the time we're done, it takes everything I have to get off stage. The instant I'm off, I find myself losing my stomach over a trashcan in the wings. Seconds later, I feel arms around me and I just collapse, unable to keep going. I'm out, I'm spent... quite possibly for the last time in my career.

Tears pour down my face and my head hurts even worse. I sob and I hear it in my head echoed a million times over. I look up as I'm turned to face the person holding me and I find Die there, his red hair falling in his face and panic clouding his eyes. His fingers pull the tape away and he pales at the sight of my blood on his fingertips. Shaking, he grabs the first person passing and demands an ambulance.

The roadie runs off, disappearing to find a phone and I stand there, supported only by Die's arms. He holds me close, using the corner of his costume to try to stop the blood. There are tears on his cheeks, but they don't quite register to me. I swallow and a moment later, my ear pops and I scream as agony shoots through me. The world fades to black.

====

Hours later, I wake up in the hospital, Die by my side, clutching my hand tightly and the others gathered around the bottom of my bed. The first thing I think is that I can't hear a thing. Kaoru's mouth moves and I can't hear him. I tremble, tears welling in my eyes as I clutch so hard at Die's hand I'm sure he can't really stand it.

It's over. It's all over. I'm deaf and no singer can be deaf. My eyes close and I just lay there, my chest heaving as I try not to fall into a panic attack. My heart isn't breaking... it's gone. My soul is nothing but a crumbling black piece of ash. And all that I had of my life is nothing but history. This is it. My end. Our end.

And it hits me... I've ruined Die's career, not just my own.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is it so hard to accept the way fate tends to deal the cards? Why is it that even when we know we can't change the past, we ache to do so? But then... what if you could change it? What if everything in life were to come full circle and you found yourself holding that second chance in your hands? Would you take it or simply let it fade away as if it never existed?

I suppose I overreacted. There was no need to have panicked the way I did. Yet, all the same, I did. I guess it couldn't be helped. They had plugged both my ears, but I had no way of knowing that, the pain great enough that I never felt the plugs. It still doesn't matter. I'm still half deaf and there's nothing that's going to change that.

The label doesn't seem worried. Even Kaoru doesn't. The only person in the entire room that looks like they understand even a fraction of my internal pain is Die. He's still looking at me the way he was just a few short months ago. The concert that changed everything, that ripped my life right out from under me.

No one else seems to understand that I'm upset, that I still see this as an end rather than a bump in the road. I have no choice but to sit here, listening to them as they go on and on with new plans for a new album. Fucking ridiculous. How can I go on like this? They need a new vocalist.

Eventually, I get sick of it and stand up, turning away and leaving the meeting. I don't look back and I don't stop, even when I hear Kaoru call my name in a somewhat warning tone. I just leave. Leave the meeting; leave the building... all of it. I walk away like I should have done months ago.

I'm almost a block away before I hear someone running behind me and then feel the weight of _his_ hands on my shoulders. It's always him that comes after me. It only makes it harder to rip myself free... maybe he knows that. His fingers jerk me to a stop and then he's holding me clutched to his chest. My eyes are wide and my hands frozen between us, caught in the act of pushing him away and yet not wanting to at all.

"Don't... don't do this."

I shake my head, still unable to push him away, but wanting to all the same. "A vocalist cannot be half deaf. There is no point in my being there anymore. You guys need to find someone else." Even as I speak the words, they burn me.

"Stop it! Don't you dare say that ever again! You can't... please..." his voice drops dramatically, coming out sounding choked, "don't do this to me."

I stiffen in his arms. To him? Does he know my every string? Am I that transparent? I want to hit him and kiss him all at the same time. Anger wins out and I shove him away from me with a growl. "To you?! What about me? What about everything I've ever wanted?" I'm screaming at him, but I don't really care anymore. "What about every fucking time I've had to stand in the same goddamned room as you, watching you while you break my fucking heart?! Does any of that matter?!" And then, I do hit him. The sound of the slap of my open palm across his cheek echoes in the street.

Then I'm running for all I'm worth, tears streaming down my face. Why? Oh god, why? Why did I just push away the only person who's ever mattered to me? Am I truly that much of a masochist that I couldn't stand to not ruin the one good thing in my life? I run until I can't run anymore, until my every breath feels like it will shatter my lungs. I run until I can't do anything but stand and gasp, trying so hard to let it all out in one brutal scream. But it won't come... when I need it most, it won't come.

My legs give out and I collapse in a heap, hugging my torso with shaking arms. Dry sobs escape my lips and I wonder where all the tears have gone. I already miss Die... the band... all of it. Trembling, I manage to claw my way to my feet again, walking slowly toward my apartment complex. My phone keeps ringing in my pocket, but I ignore it. There is no point... no point to anything anymore.

It's dark by the time I find my way back home. I'm so absorbed in my own world that I don't even see what's in front of me until I already have my key in the lock. His voice startles me and I gasp sharply.

"Please..." Please what, I have no idea. He says no more than that, but the ache in his words forces me to give in to whatever it is. I turn the key in the lock and push the door open, stepping back to let him in first. He draws himself up from the floor and slips inside my apartment. The door shuts behind us and we work on taking our shoes off.

I head to the bathroom to wash my hands and face. By the time he appears there, I'm finished and turning to leave. He just stands there, right in my way, his eyes burning into my skin, straight to my heart. The look in his eyes is nearly as tortured as I feel. What have I done? Am I such an animal that I'd crush the only person I care this much about in the process of crushing myself?

My instincts guide me, forcing me into his arms. It's there, with my nose pressed into his neck, that I realize I've only been lying to myself. I need him... and maybe he needs me. Even if the band crumbles, I need him.

My anger fades into a thing of the past and I clutch at him like he can save me from my own blackness. Time passes by, the minutes passing quickly. It's almost an hour before we move, before he guides me to my bedroom and lies down, pulling me with him. There, we curl into one another and finally... he speaks.

"What did I do?" His head shakes almost imperceptibly. "How did I... when?"

I pull back just enough to look into his face, to see what he's trying and failing to ask in his eyes. Closing my own, I sigh softly, tucking myself back into his warm embrace. "I was angry. Forget what I said."

"No." One word, spoken so quietly and confidently that I know I have no way around it.

"Since the beginning... I've loved you since the beginning." I'm surprised by how strong the words are, surprised that they aren't shaking with my inner turmoil.

"You never told me." There's a pain in those words that I can understand only too well. And, in that, I realize that I've been the fool. _'Don't do this to me.'_ He can't lose me anymore than I can lose him. The bond is too tight, the rope pulled taut between us, the strings of fate intertwined too closely to separate.

"I didn't think it mattered." The truth, so painful and yet the only thing that ever meant anything at all. Because, in my mind, it never did matter. It was my everything and my nothing at the same time. A love unrequited and never built to be returned. I knew from day one that I was alone in how I felt... and yet, I wasn't. Blind.

"You've always mattered." My heart pulls painfully in my chest and I hold him closer.

"This is my second chance and I'd be stupid to let it go." I wonder, vaguely, if he'll remember where my first chance was and how I let it drop all those years ago. My breath ghosts over his shoulder as I speak and I speculate if it has the effect on him that it does on me. "Be with me." It's not a question or a request. Now that I hear what I do in his voice, the pounding of his heart in his chest, I will never let him slip away again.

"Always." And even as he speaks that single word, I understand the very depth of his commitment. For him, this is how it was always meant to be. He was simply waiting on me to see it as well, waiting on me to accept it... to accept him. I find that I have been childish while he has been anything but.

My fingers twine with his as my body begins to drift toward sleep. Every anxiety I've ever had, every moment that I've felt like I've been tortured into nothingness... it all ebbs away, going as with the tide. Die's here, in my arms... and that's the only thing that matters.

**The End**


End file.
